I’ve had soooo many evolutions of sexuality…
From curiosity at a young age, sexual abuse, and so much repression (from my family and religious community), to my open marriage and having sex with multiple lovers and playmates (I’ve had 200+ 3some/moresomes at this point), to choosing celibacy for a summer, to really find where I have used sex as a distraction or for validation, and even as a vehicle to Communion (be that with a person or with God).
Then, slowly choosing to make love again after being celibate, to find that I mostly just wanted to play with one person. It was okay, and expansive, and beautiful if there were more people there playing WITH us, but I really became interested in going to huge depths, sexually, with this one being.
The only challenge is that I am a VERY sexual person. I think about sex a lot and love to connect in that way. So in narrowing my choices, if my lover said “no” a lot, it was really hard to not take it personally. And I don’t want that pressure to be there even slightly.
So I took that deep dive with another beloved, one who has walked with me during some of the deepest experiences of my life, the person who first showed me that it was possible to touch God through sex.
As we poured through the layers of bullshit in my mind, untangling, unraveling, inquiring, letting all my internal puzzle pieces fall into shape, I kept asking, “how is sex different from having a conversation, from taking a walk, from eye gazing”.
He said, “look at the aspects that are the same instead of the differences”.
As I allowed myself to get even more vulnerable, I realized that there is a level of “nakedness”, a level of pleasure, that I had only allowed myself to experience while in the act of “Sex” (sex involving penetration of some sort).
I LOVE depth!!!
I want to see, peer into, wade in…and even more than that, I want to be seen, peered into, waded into…
I discovered a while back when I was insisting that a lover “must” miss me, that the only reason it mattered was because if he admitted that he missed me, it made it okay to miss him as much as I did.
Guess what?
The instant I gave myself permission to miss him as much, and as long and as hard, as I actually did…and even better, the moment I gave myself permission to TELL him, sometimes over and over and over again…
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you…
…I stopped needing him to miss me.
So, as this beloved and I delved deep into the mystery of why “Sex” means SO much to me, I realized that it was time for me to experiment “naked”, going deep. As deep as I long to…
In receiving,
In pleasure,
In conversation,
In internal inquiry.
Time to do it with my clothes on! Learn how to “have sex”, to make love in every single breath, with whomever I am choosing to interact with, so that I stop waiting until I am physically penetrated to come home, to be free, to open all my centers and allow myself to be utterly me.
In this freedom, in this place, when “Sex” does happen, it can be the decadent icing on the already-delicious cake. No more thinking that a “no” to sex means anything about me or that I need to make the stars align in order to play in the place of deep communion I live for.
It’s been two years of diving into sex from this new perspective with naked, raw realness in all of my interactions instead of just the penetrative ones. I’ve found that depth, intimacy, and connection are truly there, in every breath with so many people in my life, and especially with my deep beloveds who are willing to explore what “Sex” can look like.
Its mysteries and beauties could expand into an entire lifetime, and oh boy, do I love the subtleties, the intricacies, the vulnerable depths…
Mmmmmm
Let’s talk about sex…
- Monique